You Should Try Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ)

"Every Journey Starts with a Single Step"

Shortly before my 39th birthday, I took my first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class.  I still remember receiving a call from the gym owner after filling out a form on the gym's website. Deciding after our brief conversation that I would take my "trial class" that night.  It was the first small step in a journey that I feel I am still only just starting.

Everyone has their own individual reason(s) for beginning this journey.  Common reasons are to improve physical health, and to learn a form of self defense that will be effective in a real-life violent event.  

In my experience so far I have learned several things beyond the techniques of grappling. 

1 - You can step out of your comfort zone.  It will be OK.

There is a common saying that the most important belt promotion in BJJ is TO white.  Put another way, getting off your couch and into the gym is the most significant step in the journey.  I was excited to try something new when I first decided to give this a try.  Once I was in the gym watching a bunch of strangers arrive I started to get nervous.  When the class started I was even more nervous.  I had never worn a gi, and I had no idea how to tie a belt.  I had stepped outside my comfort zone and wasn't sure what the next 60-90 minutes were going to bring.  Three years later, I still attend my gym 2-4 times a week.

Stepping out of my comfort zone didn't end with stepping onto the mats the first time.  I still have that voice in my head trying to talk me out of rolling with the brown or black belt, or the jacked dude who is 20 years younger than me and never seems to get tired.

Every time I ignore that internal voice and force myself to step out of the comfort zone I survive.  Beyond that I feel the small accomplishment of accepting the challenge and and gaining a learning experience.   

2 - You will learn to get comfortable being (really) uncomfortable. 

Jiu Jitsu is sometimes referred to as 'the gentle art'.  Ironically it has also been referred to as 'murder yoga', and 'the art of folding clothes with someone still wearing them'.  I'm not going to lie; it hurts during and after a training session.  You are going to get smashed.  You are going to get choked.  Your joints are going to be moved in directions they were not designed to be moved.  You are going to have a hard time breathing.  There will be someone on top of you and you just want the discomfort to end.  You will learn over time to get used to it.  To fight through it.  You will learn to embrace the suck.

3 - You will be forced to live in the moment.

We all have a lot on our plates like family obligations and heavy work schedules.  We constantly feel like we are being pulled in multiple directions which can lead to being irritable, and this can put strains on our relationships.  A perpetual cycle that can keep our stress levels up.  Being on the mats helps you forget all of that (at least temporarily).

Your bad day at work, or the stupid argument you had with your spouse means nothing when someone who is bigger, stronger, and more talented than you is trying to strangle you unconscious.  Even drilling can be unpleasant and you have no choice but to be present to address the discomfort. 

4 - You will discover a new family.

It is important to find a BJJ gym that not only offers quality instruction, but has a good culture.  I am lucky enough to have a gym with incredibly knowledgeable instructors and a great atmosphere.  You will develop new relationships and come to embrace your new BJJ family.  

I highly suggest you find some friends that want to choke you.  I challenge you to give it a shot and not feel it has positively changed your life.  

 

A Stark Reminder That Life Is Precious

 Witness to a Tragedy

My wife had a birthday this past weekend, and we spent our early afternoon visiting an independently-owned bookstore she enjoys, followed by a stop at a new coffee shop in our town's downtown area.  It had been a relaxing day up to this point and we were looking forward to dinner later in the evening.

On our way home from the coffee shop we were seconds behind a collision that involved a half-ton pick-up truck, and a motorcycle.  

We approached the scene to vehicles pulling off the road onto the sidewalk and people bailing from their cars to attend to the motorcyclist.

I parked in a protected turn lane and went for the first-aid supplies I keep in my vehicle which includes tourniquets, a quick blood-clotting agent, large amounts of gauze, and other items outside your everyday standard first-aid kit.  As I was parking I could see a citizen already performing CPR chest compressions on the motionless motorcyclist.  There were also several people running around frantically and a man who was pacing back and forth with his hands on top of his head and arms out at a 45 degree angle.  I assumed this to be the driver of the pick-up truck, but don't know for sure.  

I exited my vehicle and arrived at the motorcyclist almost at the same time as the first police officer on the scene.  I offered any supplies and assistance I could provide and the officer just looked down and then back at me and told me there was nothing I could help with.  All I ended up doing was standing there awkwardly suspecting I was watching another human being die.

Feeling Helpless and Guilty

We later learned that the motorcyclist was pronounced dead after arriving at the hospital.  He was only 22 years old.  

I hated feeling helpless and useless while at the scene, and felt guilty after hearing of this stranger's death that I couldn't do more in that moment.  Had I been CPR certified I could've at least offered to take over chest compressions if the original Good Samaritan started to fatigue.  

 It was also difficult to celebrate my wife's birthday at dinner later that night knowing that another family was grieving.

What I learned

First and foremost this experience reminded me that life can take a dramatic turn in a split-second.  I didn't witness the collision and don't presume to know what happened.  What I do know is that regardless of whether the driver of the pick-up truck is determined to have been responsible for the collision and faces a vehicular manslaughter charge, their life is never going to be the same.  They will have to live the rest of their lives knowing they killed a 22 year old; someone who was just beginning their adult life.

I was reminded how important it is to pursue goals, and hobbies.  Do the things you enjoy while you're still able to enjoy them.  

I also learned that I am not as prepared for a tragic event as I think I am.  Sure I have some basic first-aid knowledge, but not anywhere near what I need to handle an event such as what I witnessed this past weekend.  

I will add a goal to my list of things I want to accomplish to get certified in CPR.  I will also look for other courses related to trauma first-aid.  

If you want to get a CPR certification you can find courses through the Red Cross.  

Embracing Being Gray - How a popular book series, and age changed my perspective on being forgettable

Going Gray:

I am a fan of thriller and espionage novels and read several authors' series.  Some of the authors I enjoy are Barry Eisler, Jack Carr, Jason Kasper, and Mark Greaney who have all written multiple novels based on a single protagonist.  

Netflix recently released 'The Gray Man' based on Mark Greaney's character Coutrland Gentry (aka; The Gray Man.  Aka Sierra Six).  

I liked it so much I have already watched it multiple times.  Here is the trailer:

If you've read any of the Gray Man novels you are aware that Court Gentry has a multitude of skills that make him an effective contract killer.  His most valuable trait isn't his pistol skills.  His ability to remain calm and improvise in tense situations.  It also isn't his skill in hand-to-hand combat.  The thing that makes the Gray Man special is his ability to be gray.  That is, his ability to blend in and be unrecognizable, and unmemorable.  

In one of the Gray Man novels two agents are having a conversation.  One of them who had previously been face to face with the Gray Man mentions finding him again.  Her counterpart is skeptical she'll be able to find him again and says "he could pass you in the kitchen and you wouldn't recognize him."

Also, if you want to learn more about Mark Greaney's books you can do so here.

I first heard of the concept of being gray when I attended Tim Kennedy's 'Sheepdog Response I' course a few years ago.  The idea is pretty simple; the goal is to not stand out.  As the saying goes; the nail head that sticks out, gets hit.

Not being remembered used to bother me:

My high school sweetheart and I started dating at the beginning of our senior year.  I came to find out early in our relationship that she had a best friend growing up and they went from being inseparable to not having anything to do with each other.  No need to get into why that was, but what is important to the story is that after a couple of years of not talking, the two were just starting to reconcile around the time we started dating.  We went to a large high school that had more than 3,000 students, so it was pretty easy to lose touch with classmates and you could go weeks without crossing paths with people.

During the school year we would occasionally run into the former best friend and she and my girlfriend would make small talk.  I met this girl for the first time at least three times.  It could be as many as five or six.  During the course of their conversation she would look at me, extend her hand and introduce herself.  I would always politely accept the gesture shake her hand and tell her my name.  

Every time I "met" her I was really bothered by it.  I would think 'am I so inconsequential that you have absolutely no recollection of meeting me previously?' Or 'has it not occurred to you that I might be the same boyfriend you saw last time?'.  It bruised my ego.

Now that I'm older I embrace being forgettable:

We have lived in our home for four years.  And we have a neighbor on our street who we have been around in a social setting multiple times.  A couple years ago we were attending a get-together at this neighbor's home.  It was not the first time we had attended a social gathering of neighbors, and it was not the first time I had been in their home.  Up to this point I had had a couple face to face conversations with this individual.  

As I was passing him in a hallway I reached out my hand and said "Hi [his name].  Nice to see you again".  His response was "See me again; I've never seen you in my life". 

And a couple months ago I was driving down my street and another neighbor coming from the opposite direction stopped her car and rolled down her window.  We made small talk for a couple minutes and then she introduced herself to me and said "I just like to know who everyone is back here".  I politely told her I knew who she was (since again, we have seen each other multiple times) and reminded her who I was.  She was noticeably embarrassed, wished me a good day, and went on her way.

I can think of at least two more occasions where I see people with whom I have been previously acquainted with and they have absolutely no recognition of who I am.  

And I embrace it!

A couple weeks ago I was coming out of a Best Buy when the neighbor who claimed he had never seen me before in his entire life was parking his vehicle in the same parking lot aisle I was parked in.  As he was getting out of his vehicle and I was walking past him I just kept repeating in my head 'I'm the Gray Man.  I'm the Gray Man.'  I went right past him without the slightest look of recognition on his face.

As I get older, I really just want to be left alone.  Being able to go places where nobody recognizes you or remembers you were even there, is no longer a blow to my ego...it's a big bonus. 

Time - Is there a more valuable commodity?

The World's Most Valuable Resource?

One of Merriam Webster's definitions of a commodity is "something useful or valued".  If you watch CNBC or read any financial publications you quickly realize just about anything can be bought and sold as a commodity. The value of the commodity is going to be based on things like the level of demand for the good and its availability.

Coincidentally what might be the most valuable commodity on the planet cannot be traded on Wall Street.  That commodity is time.

What makes time so valuable?  For one, it isn't sustainable.  Once a moment has passed it's gone.  It cannot be replaced.  Cannot be recycled.  And you cannot go to a store (or Amazon) and purchase more of it.  And almost everyone wishes they could accumulate more of it.  

The first track, and possibly the most popular song from Dream Theater's 'Images and Words' album, which was released in 1992, is titled 'Pull Me Under'.  The last line of the chorus really drives home the idea that once a moment is gone; it's gone forever: "Every breath leaves me one less to my last".

Realizing the Value of Time:

When I was young I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about how valuable time is.  For one thing, I naively thought I had plenty of it.

Once I reached my thirties and was fully consumed in the rat race, I started to really focus on the value of time.  More importantly trying to come up with ways to seem as though I have more of it.  It's an ongoing process.

If I'm being honest, it is a source of anxiety in my life.  I'm in my early 40s.  According to my grandmother, both of my maternal great-grandfathers died in their early 60s.  My grandfathers both passed in their 70s.  If I retire at the traditional age of 65 (assuming I live that long) how many years do I have to truly enjoy life?  And depending on my health, what will my quality of life be?  Although  this is a source of stress for which I have to deal, it has also been motivating to be better at valuing the time I do have now.  

One change I made that seems to make a difference is getting out of bed early every day (yes, even on weekends and other days off).  I go to bed early to make sure I get enough sleep, so I'm technically not adding any hours to my day.  But, I get out of bed when most people (not just those under my roof) are still asleep.  Therefore, I'm able to get things done with little to no distraction.  It's something I recommend.  But be warned, establishing a routine is exponentially more difficult if you don't do it seven days a week.  

"No such thing as spare time.  No such thing as free time.

All you got is life time. GO!"

-Henry Rollins

-'Shine' from the album 'Weight' (1994)

Living in a Dave Matthews Band Song

'How did I get here?' 

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.

I have given much thought to where I am in life since I turned forty.  On the surface things look great.  And it's easy to take a high-level view, tell yourself 'everything is good' and move on.  However the more I think about this lately the more I feel I am doing myself a disservice.  It's a disservice because the deeper I dive into where my life has ended up to this point - my 'how did I get here?' - the more I feel like this is not exactly where I want to be.  And only looking at the bird's-eye view, telling myself everything is fine, and then trying to forget about it isn't provoking any meaningful change.  

Living in a Dave Matthews Band Song

One of the songs that launched the Dave Matthews Band is 'Ants Marching' from the 'Under the Table and Dreaming' album that came out in 1994.  I was a freshman in high school when the album came out and remember 'Ants Marching' and 'What Would You Say' being all over the radio and MTV.  

'Ants Marching' is a catchy song that sounds upbeat, and as a teenager I didn't put any real thought into what it was about.  Now I can't listen to it because I am who that song is talking about.

For those who aren't familiar with the song, or just enjoy the upbeat nature of the sound and have never given the meaning of the lyrics any thought, here is what it is about:  Dave is singing about the millions of adults who mindlessly perform the routine of their monotonous lives day in and day out.  My interpretation is that it's about people who are having their lives live them instead of them living their lives.

The first lines of the song are:

He wakes up in the morning

Does his teeth bite to eat and he's rolling

Never changes a thing

The week ends, the week begins

And again for those who aren't familiar, or just haven't given it a listen in a while:

What Does Success Look Like?

 Like I mentioned before if you're on the outside looking in things look great. And I acknowledge there are things to be grateful for.  

1. I make a good living and am able to contribute to a 401(k)
2. I own a nice home
3. I have a healthy family
4. I have hobbies and interests

There are many people, especially from older generations that would argue that is all I need.  And that I have nothing to complain about.  It would be easy to listen to them and continue along with the routine of marching like an ant.  Perhaps even feel a little guilty for any feelings that it's not enough.  Not acknowledging the cost of the lifestyle I've created.

1. I make a good living, but I work 50+hours a week and am often on-call.  It's not at all rare to get calls on nights and weekends.  From a purely psychological standpoint it feels like I am quite literally always at work.  It can be very difficult to maintain any sort of work/life balance.
2. I own a nice home, but I feel like I spend more time maintaining it than I do enjoying it.  And I haven't even mentioned the cost of some of that maintenance.  Is everything I have what I need or what I want? 

 To put it succinctly, lifestyle costs time and money and like so many others the rat race pulled me in and is eating me up. 

The DMB Song I Would Rather Live In

In 2002 the Dave Matthews Band released an album called 'Busted Stuff' which is full of great songs, but the one that really speaks to me is 'You Never Know'.  This song is almost the antithesis to 'Ants Marching' in that it is about chasing your dreams and living in the moment.  

A lyric that really catches my attention is:

But rushing around seems what's wrong with the world
Don't lose the dreams inside your head
They'll only be there til you're dead

 

But the one line that really expresses how life should be lived is:

But everyday should be a good day to die

Give it a listen if you're not familiar:

Time to Cut a New Path:

The time has come to continue to re-evaluate life and map out a new course to where I want to be.  And to where I want to be going.